Friday, July 27, 2012

Confessions of a True Trekker - V

The Betrayal of Fatherland     -    Continuation of Confessions of a True Trekker - The (Actual) Lesson
Courtesy: Wikimedia

Adventure sports is fast becoming popular among the adrenalin-seeking youth. However, the irony is that the same adventure sports is turning today’s youth into estrogen-seeking homosexuals. In earlier days of my trekking, I was warned about a man who had turned gay and was always on hunt for chocolate faces and had a fetish for hairy chest and polka dotted undies. I didn't believe it then, but now I see reasons with much clarity.

Homosexuality goes against our age-old culture which dates back at least ten thousand years, even before humans agreed on a sexual means of reproduction (this was when apple tree evolved and god from a different continent fooled humans into eating apples saying “an apple a day keeps the doctor away”). We have been doing it the same way ever since under the consent of kings and gods, until the new-age social geeks (aka socialists) figured out that you can reverse the cassette and play it as well!

Now, the entire sociocultural fabric of the nation is being shattered. How can we see a nation under the watchful eyes of 330 million gods turning gay, going against the god’s prescribed ways and doing quirky things? What answer will our coalition governments have when asked by each of those 330 million gods why it couldn’t implement a simple rule of not playing the cassette in reverse, which was being observed for ages?

Now, homosexuality is akin to betrayal of the fatherland, very anti-social, very much unpatriotic. All the rumors spread by the media about social acceptance of homosexuality is part of conspiracy by the communists to concur and capture our fatherland. I know you don’t believe me and you don't have to. Simply use a pinch of common sense. I know you are not an idiot, but your mind has been corrupted by the media. All you need is some clarity of thoughts, some rationality. Just ask yourself this simple question and you would know the truth. If the all young blood on this great land of Kamasutra turn gay, where the future generations will come from? And without any future generation, who will be in the fatherland to protect it and its malls, cinema halls, temples, and stock exchanges from the communists? What will happen to our rich culture of bandh, open defecation, and joint family with nine kids per couple? Think!

To Be Continued...

Previous Parts:
1. Confessions of a True Trekker - I - The Prelude
2. Confessions of a True Trekker - II - The Barber’s Mirror
3. Confessions of a True Trekker - III - The Alpha Male
4. Confessions of a True Trekker - IV - The (Actual) Lesson

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Confessions of a True Trekker - IV

The (Actual) Lesson    -    Continuation of Confessions of a True Trekker - The Alpha Male
Courtesy: Heartsong Handicrafts

The competition for mates is cut throat here in the city malls, pubs, and parks, pretty much upholding the supply and demand rule. The situation is comparable only to the communist Russia in the aftermath of World War II, where there were mile long queues even for fat potatoes and stale bread. Thinking of chicken lollipop, insane!

Charles Darwin had once famously said that the competition for mates is inversely proportional to the risk to life. Thus, competition should be far less in a hostile environment like jungles as few would risk life for mates. Or I thought so at least.

While preparing the logical curry of economics and evolution, I forgot that the question of competition comes only when there is a prize involved, a prize worth winning. Have you ever imagined what would happen if the prize trophy in Filmfare Awards is replaced by something resembling an overgrown jack fruit or a bunch of pest-infested ragi? That’s what “competition” on treks is all about. Primary objective for the ladies to trek is to transform themselves from being a jack fruit to the amorous figurine of Filmfare trophy and be back in the pubs and parks right before swayamvar. Now, who wants jack fruit after all the risk and pain of trekking! The prize simply isn’t worth all the pain.

Apart from being a worthless endeavor from the biological perspective, trekking is fast becoming a cause of concern for social integrity and even national security. The gender distribution on treks is highly skewed in favor of polyandry. And this in combination with the jack fruit trophies makes it a lethal cocktail for the society. The results in absolute lack of mating opportunities for any self-respecting, god-fearing mammal with faith in god’s method of procreation. It is a proven fact that prolonged proximity with individuals from same gender, especially in isolated environment like jungles, leads to psychological weakness and the individuals succumb to the psychological-transmitted sexual disorders, such as homosexuality.

Now, please don’t tell me that homosexuality is a matter of personal choice and has nothing to do with social integrity and national security. No one with even an elementary knowledge of evolutionary biology and military psychology would buy this theory. You are not one of those morons who riot on streets with placards in hand about rights and freedom , are you? The propaganda of socialist media has done well to hide the grave implications of homosexuality on our national culture and sovereignty, but no more. We will have raise our voice and awaken the entire nation to the realities of new found sexual fads. The truth awaits.

Next Part: Confessions of a True Trekker - V - The Betrayal of Fatherland

Previous Parts:
1. Confessions of a True Trekker - I - The Prelude
2. Confessions of a True Trekker - II - The Barber’s Mirror
3. Confessions of a True Trekker - III - The Alpha Male

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Confessions of a True Trekker - III

The Alpha Male    -    Continuation of Confessions of a True Trekker - The Barber's Mirror
Courtesy: ssoosay

Inside the female brain, an organizer was like an alpha male, always leading the herd towards greener pastures, right in the front with head held high, commanding the harem and rest of the worker males. He would shout loudly "follow me" and an image of superman in red undies would light up inside the female brains with a pleasant tickling of 10 volt DC. The savior of the mankind has arrived! The  status of rest of the men in the team was reduced to mere sterile worker bees whose sole aim in life was to serve the queen bee. The caveat was that all the ladies considered themselves nothing less than the queen bee with a deep-rooted hatred for polygamy. In female brain, one king + numerous queens is not equal to polygamy! I don't know how this equation would ever equate, but nothing surprising given that mathematics has never been a priority for ladies. They even have difficulty counting till 28 each month without making mistakes!

So, I took up the pain to organize treks as well, just to please these beauties. God only knows what all I had to do, burning midnight oil to plan the trail so that the ladies could enjoy all that that they say they enjoy, such as drains, mud puddle, big rock, small rock, fat tree, green trees, red tree; running in and out of the forest offices to get permission to enter the so-called "pristine" forests. I can't make myself understand why these ladies love to update their status saying "entered a virgin forest, one that has never been touched by man". Telling you frankly, all the forest look the same to me, same big trees, rocks, and mud. Only Kamdev would know what the ladies imagine when they talk about virgin forest.

Entering highly-protected forest to please them was sappa matter, we have even burnt entire trees all together inside such protected areas so that the fetish of these ladies to dance around campfire could be fulfilled. And then they would like to get themselves photographed sitting next to the fire, ignoring the slaves who worked harder to collect wood and make fire than they had ever done in the comfort of air-conditioned office.

As it turns out, female brain is far more complex than the credit default swaps around which the entire world economy collapsed. Even though they profess their love for adventure and thrill, the definition of these words are entirely different in their brains. Within few months of my career as trek organizer, complaints started pouring in from ladies community. They complained to the higher authorities that in the name of trekking, I was making them walk as much as 10 kilometers each day, often in sunny weather,  mineral water and chicken were always in short supply and they were forced to make do with stream water and dry chapatis. Neither there was any arrangement of guest house nor any toilet for morning ablutions. Safety and modesty of ladies were being risked on treks organized by me.

Finally, bowing to pressure from women right activists, the higher authorities decided to ban me from organizing treks. My dreams of being the alpha male were crushed right there. A lesson was learned, just like CDS, by the time you understand the female brain, the damage is already done and you are right in the middle of the crisis. All the risks I took for the future profits now looked so much foolish after the fact.

Now, it was time for introspection into the strategies. What went wrong in this grand plan of procreation?

Next Parts:
1. Confessions of a True Trekker - IV - The (Actual) Lesson
2. Confessions of a True Trekker - V - The Betrayal of Fatherland

Previous Parts:
1. Confessions of a True Trekker - I - The Prelude
2. Confessions of a True Trekker - II - The Barber’s Mirror

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Confessions of a True Trekker - II

The Barber’s Mirror    -    Continuation of Confessions of a True Trekker - The Prelude

Over the last couple decades, photography has advanced so much that it has virtually replaced the mirror. Mirror was 70s. Today's women click themselves to check makeup. Pictures are indeed an integral part of the beautification project, in both upstream and downstream of the project timeline. Apart from being a makeup correction tool in the initial stages, it also serves as an advertising and praise collection tool in the later stages of the project. A keen observer would soon learn about the female need of self gratification in being photographed and seeing others (including prospecting males) comment “beautiful” on it regardless how unrealistic the comments are. What an irony it is that even for those who profess the need of a honest companion, it is simply impossible to reject the gravity-defying elation achieved from dishonest praises.

A direct consequence of this realization was me buying a DSLR lookalike camera and flaunting it on treks. I bought a few used, or rather discarded, photography magazines and picked up a couple photography jargon as well. This added finesse to my image as a professional. These are like magic words, throw a few here and there in your conversation with a DSLR dangling around your neck and your otherwise nonsensical blabber would immediately turn into pickup lines.

Finally, it was a success. Now, I was like a juicy jackfruit surrounded by all sort of houseflies. I was elated to find myself even invited for an all-girl trek! Life couldn’t be more colorful. However, all that goes up, comes down someday and my success was short lived too. My inapt post processing skills took the toll. I wasn’t much successful in hiding the pimples, wrinkles or turning crows into swans , buffaloes into deer. Never knew that ladies find little difference between a photographer and a tube of anti-aging, anti-blemish cream.

Experience is a good teacher. I understood that a photograph is like a mirror for women and a photographer like a barber holding the mirror to show how the back of your head looks. That’s it, pretty much. Now, which women would like a barber for her companion! I understood a woman’s need, need of a strong man who can lead the mankind with a vision, a vision to conquer territories, to lead the herd out of danger, who would appear from nowhere like a tarzan to free her beloved red scarf stuck in the devilish clutches of the thorns, who would carry her the burden of a women with grace on his face. A bit of close monitoring of female behavior would soon reveal that it was the trek organizer who fitted this image perfectly, who was the center of all female chatter.

Next Parts:
1. Confessions of a True Trekker - III - The Alpha Male
2. Confessions of a True Trekker - IV - The (Actual) Lesson
3. Confessions of a True Trekker - V - The Betrayal of Fatherland

Previous Part: Confessions of a True Trekker - I - The Prelude

Friday, July 13, 2012

Confessions of a True Trekker - I

Courtsey: 123RF

The Prelude

Had the female participation in treks gone down lately?

That was the question a moron had put up for discussion in Chennai Trekking Club's Facebook page. A set of equally moronic creatures then divulged into discussing various reasons for the drop in numbers among other things, such as whether actually there is a drop, what data is there to support the claim, should such private matters be discussed in public, why such moronic questions be answered at first place, and so on. Many core trekkers were trying to write off this serious issue simply saying that it doesn't matter and that their objective is to trek and that they are indifferent to the sex of participants. Ridiculous! It seemed to me that these individuals were hell bent on corrupting the young minds and turning them gay! The very reason I joined treks was to befriend pretty ladies, mingle with them, and well, get one girlfriend for myself. Which fool wants to walk tens of kilometers just to see some trees and drainage system of the mountains.  Yes, we do wish to appreciate beauty of nature, but not the beauty contained in those fat old trees! If I wish to see trees or streams, I would rather visit Lalbagh or stand on the bank of Cooum. The organizers don't understand this fact. Sala, the very objective of trekking is being jeopardized now.

After joining few treks, I realized that just being on treks doesn’t guarantee attention from the ladies. The kind of attitude they carry along, ooph! Initiating a warm discussion itself was impossible, forget about igniting the fire of love. I thought it was my thirteen-rupee-haircut or the sixty-five-rupee t-shirt that was to blame, but then I realized that its modern times. The ladies today aren't behind the riches, very unlike 70s when the fat-ass ladies, in tight kurti and an overdose of mascara, would ditch their poet lover to marry a middle-aged seth with a pot belly. Today, cash is passé. What woman want is "character", that is the presentability of a man. Of what use is a diamond necklace in a party if all you got is an outfashioned drum to point at when asked for the source of the necklace? Probably, it was my wheatish complexion that was to blame. Strange it would sounds, but even the ragi-complexioned girls have desire for lighter shade than wheatish! So, what was it that was stopping me from becoming a “handsome man” **?

Footnote: ** Pussy magnet.